some how I hate myself...and some how... I just shrug.

As naive as I was, I used to believe my soul was so pure and as clear as crystal. I believe in the goodness in me. I was taught to give and to believe in the goodness of people. I was taught to help and to support. I was teach to do so many good things which now I've forgotten all. Those beautiful lessons that fell to the side as I walked the years.

I believe I was about 8 or something when reality hit me as hard as a car crash. I shouldn't give money to those poor people I see on the streets because they are all liars. Even ones who looked like they really-really needed help are just liars who are great performer. Right then I had a theory of my own that there much be someone in the crowd who actually need help. What if no one helps that person. Well, I said to myself that when I grow up to the point when I can make my own decision I'll give money to people who needs it as long as I don't go troubling myself. And guess what. I'm now 20 and still repeating that sentence over and over.

I feel guilty every time I walked pass a beggar and didn't give out any money. But when a thought comes in my head to reach in my pocket for some money, I wiped it out of my head so fast, shake my head and say to myself that it's normal and right not to give money to beggar and I'm so cowardly disturbed by the thought of not being as normal or as right.

I stopped supporting other people when I was in high school. I learn from my parents and their co-workers and my friends and their friends that in the end we all support ourselves first. As much as I care to give what is best to you, bottom line is my trouble is meaningless to you when your ass was not saved first. I learn when you're nice and have faith in people you get used. Then I learn I should use people so I won't be unjustified by only getting used by others.

I'm now sitting here at 20, thinking what kind of a person I've grown up to be, then I realized, I've grown up to be the normal typical adult that I hated so much when I was little. Those selfish people who I doubt if they ever spend time studying morals and religious.

And some how I hate myself...and some how... I just shrug